


Seung Ri's Epic Fail (Or: How Seung Ri Is Totally Screwed.)

by starwilson



Category: Big Bang (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Gen, Humor, M/M, Random - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-07
Updated: 2012-02-07
Packaged: 2017-10-30 18:41:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/334874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starwilson/pseuds/starwilson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Seung Ri finds he likes D-Lite. And totally fails.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written in January 2009. This was after I started heavily watching Big Bang's music videos and fell in love with these two bandmates specifically. It also is part of a universe my best friend and I thought of that linked all the music videos at the time together. It still makes sense mostly. Sorry in advance.

Love sometimes hits you with you not knowing until it's too late. Much like a drink that tastes nothing of alcohol until you're passed out on your friend's couch after you finished singing _It's Raining Men_.  
  
Not that Seung Ri would know any of that.  
  
But love hit him like that one night. He didn't even know why it chose _him._ Maybe love has a sick sense of humor. It would make sense. How else would G-Dragon and TOP get together?  
  
But still, why _him_? He minds his own business, gives money to charities, and he doesn't kick sick puppies!  
  
It all happened one night, hanging out at the bar. He was taking a break from being a valet (read: doing donuts in the back with TOP's latest car) and was dancing. Not his usual dancing though. People would faint if he did that. No, regular dancing it was.  
  
Maybe that was all it took, though, because he looked over to the bar. Daesung was there, just finished getting someone a Cosmo, and started to do his little dance to the music. You know the one, where he puts his arms up and kinda shakes them? It was a horrible dance move.  
  
But Seung Ri got blindsided.  
  
It wasn't fair. Why Daesung? The guy was practically a seven year old in a twenty year old body!  
  
It's as if the Powers that Be _want_ him to be a pedophile! Why not just go pick up a random boy on the street?!  
  
Seung Ri was just going to have to get really drunk to deal with this. Drinking made everything feel better.  
  
Two hours later in a random bathroom, though, Seung Ri knew he was screwed.


	2. Seung Ri Fails Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Seung Ri confides in G-Dragon, who is not helpful at all, and goes to the extreme.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based off of Seungri's solo video, "Strong Baby". No, seriously, when I wrote this, I had been watching the video for a day and a half and it wouldn't get out of my head. It was pretty scary.
> 
> Written in January 2009.

_Daesung looked at him, and smiled, "Push me on the swings, Seung Ri!" and pranced off. Seung Ri smiled back and chased after him.  
  
_ _He and Daesung sat down by a picnic basket, still smiling. "Ooh! Strawberries! They're so good!" Daesung had yelled, and Seung Ri obediently fed him one._  
  
 _They walked hand in hand down the sidewalk, smiling to each other and being content in just staring into each other's faces.  
  
"Roses, Seung Ri!" Daesung had yelled, running over to the person selling them. Seung Ri then got handed a rose by the innocent man, and smiled bigger before smelling it. All was right in the world.  
  
_Except not. Because Seung Ri had a hangover and stained sheets over a dream that didn't even involve any sexual activity.  
  
Unless you count strawberries. But Seung Ri wasn't the one being fed, so that was out of the picture.  
  
He looked over to his clock, and realized it was noon. Then, he realized that when he passed out, he didn't even make to the pillows. How much did he drink again?  
  
He sat up, and rubbed his face a couple of times. Maybe this love was just a crush. After all, he crushed easily on the girls dancing with him. Of course, he didn't dream of pushing them on the swings either.   
  
It was in this confusion that he saw the rose. And promptly stared at it.   
  
Roses.  
  
What a sucky flower.  
  
He picked it up, and stared at it a little bit more. He _really_ hates roses now. Especially Daesung with roses. Especially cute, adorable, innocent Daesung holding out a rose to him like it was Christma-  
  
Oh God, he needs to speak to G-Dragon now.  
  
\- - - - -  
  
"Hey G-Dragon, can I talk to you about something?" Seung Ri was nervous, but he needed advice. G-Dragon gave them advice on their clothes a lot, so why not about this?  
  
"Yeah? Like how your pants do not go with your shirt?" G-Dragon put on the fur coat over his outfit. It was a nice coat, but it lacked something...  
  
"Well, no. I had a dream-"  
  
"Dude, if you tell me you like me, I swear to God-"  
  
"IT'S NOT THAT. I had a dream of being gay with Daesung!" Seung Ri blurted out. There. Out in the open. Now he didn't have to worry so much.  
  
"Seriously?" G-Dragon didn't seemed too impressed when Seung Ri told him. "You just realized?"  
  
Seung Ri stared blankly at him, "...What?"  
  
"Dude, I always thought you were gay. I thought everyone knew," G-Dragon said, looking at the fur coat a little more.. Maybe it would look better with one of TOP's shades.  
  
"I'm not gay!" Seung Ri did not squeak that out. It was more of a.. manly yell. Yes. Nothing gay at all with that. Which he wasn't. Especially not for Daesung.  
  
"You are too," G-Dragon simply replied, trying on the gloves with it. Odd combination, but maybe it'll be good in the winter time. "The way you dance just reeks of gay-ness. You made the jump rope move, after all."  
  
Flabbergasted, Seung Ri just stared at him.   
  
"And you have been looking at Daesung more than you have the girls around you, so I just assumed that you and him were going out. Though I doubt you guys will do anything yet," G-Dragon smirked. "He seems the type to want a ring around his finger first."  
  
"You are... crazy! Why did I even come to you?! That's it! I'm taking matters into my own hands!" Seung Ri threw up his hands. Why did he decided to talk to G-Dragon anyways? The guy sucked at comforting people. He hurried out the door.  
  
"Show 'em what you got, brah," G-Dragon yelled amusedly after him. Now to steal one of TOP's sunglasses.  
  
\- - - - -  
  
He was not gay.  
  
Nope.  
  
Not gay.  
  
This is not the end.  
  
This is _not_ the end.  
  
Oh God, it is...  
  
He sighed and looked out the window of the car.   
  
The girl on his side that he picked up to go with him laid against him, and rubbed his face, trying to get him to respond to her. But he didn't. Damn Daesung! Damn you!  
  
"Why are you still waiting for?" she whispered into his ear, and he looked to her a little before shaking his head. The girl went back to stroking his face, "Come to me..."  
  
He looked at himself in the rear view mirror. _Is this really how you're going to go about fixing this? Sleeping with some girl?  
  
\- - - - -   
  
_"G-DRAGON, YOU ASSHOLE, COME HERE NOW," Seung Ri yelled in the room, putting his hands into the pockets of his white suit jacket.  
  
"God, what do you want now? I already know you're gay and have the hots for Daesung," G-Dragon walked in, wearing some new clothes. As usual. "What's next? You want Taeyang in a threesome?"  
  
"What? No! I was just letting you know that I'm not gay! I totally slept with this girl, and it was awesome," Seung Ri said smugly. G-Dragon raised an eyebrow, "And you didn't think about Daesung once?"  
  
Seung Ri's face turned blank.  
  
G-Dragon smirked, patted some imaginary dust off of Seung Ri's shirt, and walked away, "That's what I thought."  
  
\- - - - -  
  
Seung Ri hates him.  
  
He _hates_ him.  
  
He hates Daesung.  
  
...That's a lie.  
  
Damnit.  
  
"I hate him!" he yelled out into the sky, hoping to get answers from it. That's what the people did in the movies.  
  
...And then realized he was in an ice cream shop.   
  
Didn't work, either.  
  
\- - - - -  
  
He walked into the brothel that night. Seung Ri was determined to get this out of his system. Daesung was not going to be his love. This shit was goin' down. Fo sho.  
  
...He was never going to stay the night at TOP's house again. He's going to start thinking in rap if he did.  
  
He looked at each of the girls. None of them were appealing, which was surprising. Usually he had trouble picking from the fine ladies.   
  
_I guess,_ Daesung's voice rung in his head. _You know you love me._ He threw that thought away quickly.  
  
"Why do you hesitate?" One of the whores said, leaning up on him. He backed away and walked down the hall.  
  
"Don't be afraid," another one said, grabbing his face and turning it to her. "Relax your mind." He wrenched his face away and looked forward.   
  
And found his prey.  
  
She was pretty, in a red dress, and obviously knew he had his sights on her, for she walked to the wall and beckoned him over with a flick of her chin.  
  
Alright, let's party. Seung Ri smirked and started walking over. Just one night, one chance to figure this out. The girl didn't mind when Seung Ri leaned up against her, putting his hand on the wall. Of course, she didn't. She was a whore, for God's sake.  
  
"What's your name, baby?" his smooth voice came out, and he knew where this was going. She looked up at him, and simply replied, "D-Lite."  
  
...Wait.  
  
Rewind.  
  
What?  
  
"Say that again?" He asked, not believing his ears. She raised one of her eyebrows, "Mi Tight." Seung Ri blinked. Well, that was a horrible name for a prostitute, but whatever. She didn't share the stage name of his-  
  
He stopped thinking about Daesung, and started to seduce the woman into getting into bed with him.  
  
\- - - - -  
  
He smirked and sat back on his bed, his shirt already un-buttoned. The whore he picked took her time getting to him. He could tell she was an experienced one. He wonders if Daesung has any experience in this. Probably not.  
  
NO.  
  
Back to the task at hand, now.  
  
The girl straddled him, and Seung Ri slid a hand up the underside of her thigh. Daesung had smoother skin, he noted.  
  
DAMNIT. STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.  
  
The girl smiled seductively, and Seung Ri whispered out, "Come a little closer." The girl brushed her lips against his, before Seung Ri pulled her hair back and trailed his lips across her neck.   
  
Would doing this to Daesung be any different? He had an adam's apple after all. Maybe Seung Ri could nip at it and-  
  
GOD DAMNIT. THERE IS A PRETTY WOMAN IN YOUR ARMS AND YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT DAESUNG?! DAESUNG PROBABLY WOULDN'T EVEN LET YOU DO THIS WITHOUT ASKING WHAT IT MEANT!  
  
This is not working at all.  
  
The woman slid a hand down his chest, and all he could think of was what if Daesung did it like that. She stroked his hair while he kissed her throat and all he could think of if he were doing this to Daesung.   
  
Oh God. This wasn't good.  
  
But you know how it is.   
  
He sighed, and pushed her the rest of the way on the bed before getting on top of her. He paid for it, so he might as well go through with it. Even if he was going to think of Daesung the whole time. Bye, ladies.   
  
Damnit.


End file.
